Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are
stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the fbi or cia. You have a minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
general dipshit.
Aries (Mar.21 - Apr. 20)
You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered,
impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You
are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means
you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which
makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you
will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Almost eveybody in
prison is a cancer.
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most
leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving sons-of-bitches and
spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall
asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers, and pimps.
Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you
are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary
gain are nil. Most libra women are whores. Many libras die of venereal
disease.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You shall acheive the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec.21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of sagittarius' are
drunks. You are not worth the time of day.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a
chickenshit. There has never been a capricorn of any importance. You
should just give up.
